Return of the Fairy Tale

May 13, 2009 - Leave a Response

Just when I thought I had crossed over to the real…

Last Sunday, I attended the wedding of a very close friend. I was going as a bridesmaid, with my boyfriend as my partner. The entire wedding was just lovely and decadent. People were speechless, myself included. And because it was one of the very few times that I found myself in church, after a very long time, I decided to speak to God.

I prayed for 3 things… First, I asked Him for forgiveness for becoming so distant eversince I reached adult life. Second, I prayed for the bride and groom, that they may have a blessed life together. The last one was for my own – having been touched by the wedding ceremony – I prayed for my love life. I asked God to guide me where I should go, who I should be with. In my private thoughts, I only had two names in mind – but I’m sure God heard it, too.

The first one was the person I am currently with – my boyrfriend who loves me dearly, and will do anything for me. Everything with him feels easy. I am safe. I am content. I laugh more than I cry. I am myself with him. I am ready to have kids with him in the future. It seems, every aspect of being with him is real.

The second one was the person who has been a vague part of my life for as long as I can remember – he never seems to go away, he is just there, mostly passive and inactive. He was there for the important things – the darkest and the happiest, even when someone else should have been there. But with him it was never easy. It was full of tears and heartaches – also, for as long as I can remember. I don’t imagine myself being as happy with him the way I am with my boyfriend now. In effect, he remains a dream, a fairy tale – a book you read that’s good only til it lasts. Afterwards, you have nothing to bring back to reality. I want none of that anymore. I have suffered enough because of him to ever want anything more than curt hellos and small talks. I have learned my lesson that boys like him are only fleeting and won’t really stay for long.

I want it real this time, all the way like my boyfriend. But fate seems to tie me up every chance it can. Like what happened that night at the wedding reception…

When it was time for the traditional next-couple-to-be-wed game, all the single ladies were called to stand up. As bridesmaids, my friends and I were the obvious choices of single ladies, so we had to oblige. Boyfriend gave me the go signal. I had a feeling this won’t be anywhere near the conventional throwing the bouquet and catching the garter game. When we got to the center of the room, where the organizers were, true enough, we were in for several twists.

First, we single ladies were given a sterling bracelet to wear – in itself, already an incentive for joining. Then, we were told to approach the giant wedding cake and pick a flower. Something wrapped in paper was tied to the flower and we had to open it. I carefully picked one of the flowers that was on the fourth layer of the cake. I chose it because it wasn’t wilted like the rest. Unfortunately, I had a hard time opening what was wrapped, and some of my friends already got to theirs first. We found out that the wrapped little things were charms for the bracelet. One friend got a horse shoe. Another got a fairy. I was still struggling to open mine when finally, one lucky friend got a wedding ring charm! Holy! By this time, the organizers were telling us that whoever picked the ring charm would be the “it” girl for the night.

Judging by the shape of my still covered charm, I was guessing it would be a horse shoe as well. But lo and behold, when I finally was able to open it, out came a wedding ring, only a smaller one than my friend’s. So I thought, okay, this may not be counted. And my friend was already the “it” girl. I noticed I dropped a piece of paper that came with the wrapper so I picked it up and read it. It had a green heart sticker on it with the words, “Diamon Wedding Ring – Next to be engaged…”. I laughed and brought it back to my seat where my boyfriend was waiting. I showed the note to him and joked, “Guess who has a big problem now!” meaning him and our obviously need-to-be-advanced wedding plans. He laughed, too.

Now here come the organizers announcing that there were supposed to be three rings hidden with the flowers. I got the puzzled, uncertain look. I thought, mine couldn’t be one of them because it was smaller. Then the organizers added further that there was a pink heart, a blue heart, and a green heart on the note. Whoever got ahold of the other colored ring should come forward as there were only two onstage. Now blood had rushed to my veins as I realized I was supposedly holding the “green” ring. So I had no choice but to stand up and go back to the center where two of my friends were already waiting – bearers of the pink and blue rings. We were made to wait while the guys had their turn.

For catching the garter, the guys had it differently too. The groom was holding different colored garters in his hand but only one color was the true one – the one that matched the real garter the bride was wearing. Guys crowded near the groom – including my boyfriend and “fairy tale” guy. Oh, did I mention that fairy tale guy was part of the wedding, too?

While waiting at the center of the room and while the guys were standing near the front where the groom was, we ring girls started teasing each other. I told my friend with the pink ring, “It should be you, cause the garter will likely be pink since the wedding motif is pink.” It made the most sense. And whoever heard of a bride wearing a green garter? I, with the green ring was the most unlikely candidate. So I had surrendered to the idea thinking I would be back to my seat soon.

After the commotion amongst the guys, I saw from afar that my boyfriend caught one garter. I quickly thought, yes, there’s a chance for him and me. And it would be fun and natural. Then I saw fairy tale guy was holding one, too. My heart skipped a beat. By now, the groom was surverying which guy was holding the right garter in his hand. As it turned out, the groom pointed to fairy tale guy. He was “it”! Oh no! What color was the real garter?? We three girls waited for the host’s announcement as we couldn’t see from where we were standing. The host goes, “It’s green! The garter the bride is wearing is green! Where is the lady holding the green ring?”

By now, a flood of thoughts had rushed to my brain, I forgot in which order. One was, why??? Why him and why me? Another was, what were the odds? It was difficult for some puppeteer of the universe to put the two of us together at that moment when so many odds could have played against us. For one, I could have picked a different flower with some other charm in it. Or I could have picked a ring in blue and not green. Two, why would the garter be green anyway when green is the oddest color of garter I know! And why would it be fairy tale guy who gets to catch one of the few garters when so many guys had joined and there were not enough garters for all, much less, he gets to catch the real one! But the final thought that got me back to reality was, “Lord, are you giving me the answer to my prayer so soon?”

At which point I remembered where I had to be and quickly ran to him… Without hesitation or care for highly conservative Chinese people possibly in the room, I kissed my boyfriend in front of everyone and whispered to him that I loved him. Then finally I faced the audience. I waited for fairy tale guy to approach me as I just stood there, very near to my boyfriend. It helped that we were seated by the center aisle, so I really didn’t have to go far.

Fairy tale guy came to stand behind me while my attention was to the host. Then the next few minutes happened to me very quickly. Mostly because my mind was filled with thoughts about my boyfriend – how he was reacting at this very moment, what he was feeling, especially since he has always been partially jealous towards fairy tale guy.

To cut the story short, fairy tale guy and I, the “Second Couple”, were told to follow what the “First Couple” (bride and groom) will do in that next few minutes. The groom kissed the bride on the cheek (to be safe) and fairy tale guy hesitantly kissed my hair instead, or in the space and vicinity of my hair cause I didn’t feel a thing. Next, the groom kissed the bride on her shoulder. And fairy tale guy tried to do the same, only without touching my skin, as I didn’t feel a thing once more. After that, everyone just clapped and the program continued.

I stuck by my boyfriend the rest of the night while he became just a bit more difficult to deal with. But I understood why he acted that way. It was in no way easy for him, in front of everyone we knew, much more, with his and my family there, too. I tried to make the best assurance I could later that night, by telling him things like this always happen at weddings but it’s just a game and people tend to forget this sort of thing immediately. They won’t remember that the bridesmaid had a boyfriend in the background while she got “kissed” by another guy. And the “kiss” was zero-contact at all! And what mattered was that, at the end of the day, I went home with my boyfriend and no one else. Then we were okay once again before we said good-bye that night.

But what I didn’t tell him was the effect that that second couple incident had on me until this day. (It has been three days since.) For three days, I have wanted to cry my heart out. Why would fate do this to me, confuse me this way, when for years I struggled to get over the fairy tale and choose the grown up thing to do – find someone who’s real and true and sticks by me, does not leave me alone and dejected. I have found that person and for a while now, I was happy and it was becoming clearer to me who I should be with. Then I made that talk with God to give me a guided answer, then He throws me a joke that sets me back at square one.

A friend told me that maybe God put it in front of me as a test, to see who I will choose for myself. But isn’t choosing for myself going against what God has chosen for me? Judging from my reaction that night, upon knowing it will be me and fairy tale guy playing the next-couple game, I did the classic case of “God gives you what you ask for but you choose to look the other way.” God threw fairy tale guy to my face to give me my answer, yet I chose to ignore the answer and stuck to my boyfriend.

Worse, what if all of this was just a cruel joke? Played on me by that giant puppeteer of the universe. And while I want to cry now, he’s just laughing his ass off. Or what if this means nothing or not connected to anything in my life at all…

Until now, it beats me… Cause if it were the answer I had asked from God, it doesn’t make any sense. Yet for years I have been getting the same message from Him – his signs seem to always point to fairy tale guy ultimately being him in the end. However if I get to thinking, choosing to be with fairy tale guy is like temporarily pulling my brains out so I can do the stupid thing of going for him once again and just wait for him to hurt me in the end. As much as he’s the fairy tale guy, I just don’t see the happy ending with him, from where I’m standing.

Whereas my boyfriend is concerned, I love him and I choose him. And I’m hoping he gets to be the one standing there at the end of the aisle. With him, I will be loved. And we will have our own real ending. As for fairy tales… They will never ever be real.

Tiny Slippers

May 17, 2008 - Leave a Response

At night, I always drink water before going to bed. So I have to travel the short distance from my bedroom to the water dispenser in the dining room. Upon coming back to my room this particular night, there on my doorstep silently lay a pair of innocent-looking tiny, tiny slippers, just enough to fit two-year-old feet. The thing with having little kids in the house is that you see a lot of little things lying around, too. My niece had left them by my door. They were just… there – occupying such a tiny, unremarkable space without any need of reason or permission.

Tiny objects remind me of tiny creatures – little people who can do no harm and hold such hope in this world for years to come. They will take time to persist in a world of color, love, and uncompromising glee, before their eyes finally become clouded by the “necessary” things.

I realized, how nice it would be to always fit into tiny slippers. That way, I would never have to make compromises for the things I step on.

I Have A Dream

May 16, 2008 - Leave a Response

I have a dream, and it’s sitting on here: http://www.istitutomarangoni.com/

But it remains a dream, until I earn 2 Million Pesos. For I wish to take up their three-year Fashion Business Course and, once and for all, immerse myself in the world of my eternal love – fashion.

It seems such a far stretch now but I hope someday, everything will fall into place. God help me.

Yet Another Blog

May 15, 2008 - Leave a Response

In my defense (and alternately, this blog’s rationale), there’s a reason for putting up so many blogs and eventually leaving them for a new one. I do believe people will go through several stages. And within each stage lies a story of life-changing events, each unique in its own, and leading to the conclusion of a renewed and wiser human being. Upon arrival of a new stage, events from the past become irrelevant and incoherrent to it.

Hence, this blog comes anew as I celebrate my post-academe life in work, play, love, family, and friendships.

I call it Resplendent Transcendence for the exceptional beauty I (choose to) see in life on a daily basis as I come closer to a life well-lived to its fullest. It is what happens when something seemingly ordinary and mundane presents itself to me in a manner that’s sensibly wonderful yet mysteriously divine. And I am left in awe… forever.

Prepare to be enthralled!